Sunday, May 11, 2008

I Protest!

Mortar and Pestle - Pertakis Supermarket, Paleochora - a snip at 8 Euros
Mystical Tibetan Singing Bowl - a snip at 3400Euros

Why, I hear you say, are we intending to make such a spectacular protest in the streets of Paleochora next week? I refer of course to myself, my colleague Dr. Insa Ne and that other person Ms Teake? (Though if the truth be known we only asked her along out a misplaced sense of pity?

It’s a matter of principle as far as I am concerned.

If the Mayor won’t lift his unilateral ban on the use of beach umbrellas on the illegal nude bathing portion of the Sandy Beach, then I’m worried that my “Over 80’s full frontal naked charka tune up, tantric sex and yoga session” will have to be cancelled because the poor dears tend to shrivel up in the heat. If the session is cancelled, my clients lose the opportunity to readjust their spiritual energies, restabilise their auras after the recent flare up caused by the poor value of the Pound against the Euro and I lose much needed income! The result of the latter will be that I will be unable to offer my
“Free (for a modest suggested donation of 325 Euros) Knit your own Yoghurt and Raki Therapy (incorporating frequent use of mystical Tibetan Yodelling Bowls) sessions”

and the life of the village will be all the poorer for that as I am sure you will agree!

In the meantime, irrespective of the outcome of the protest, my associate Dr. Insa Ne will continue her good work ministering to spiritual needs of the over 80s. However, she has asked me to mention that she would prefer if her elderly male clients would in future take their false teeth out BEFORE their sessions begin.

Finally, contrary to the rumours apparently put about by other less gifted psykiks in the village, I would like to make it clear that my absence from the “blog scene” of late has nothing whatsoever to do with any threat of arrest under the 1867 Vagrancy Act which may or may not have been levelled against me in the UK. As I told my solicitor, I am an artist of the psychic persuasion having performed my world famous “wallet lightening trick” in front of, amongst many others, The Queen, the Princess of Wales, the Duke of Edinburgh, and the Duke of York .

If people wish to make donations to me to ensure my physical, and their spiritual, wellbeing who am I to refuse them? As far as I am concerned I would be remiss in my calling if I did other than relieve them of the dreadful karmic burden known as ‘money’, even if I do so at the cost of my taking on their burden and their money.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Welcome to Insa Ne

I’m very glad to announce the arrival of my new helper, Ms Insa Ne D.Div., Philosopher of Parapsychology and Paranormal Sciences, Ph.D.

Insa has spent a long time studying all aspects of Psykickil healing, aura transformation and financial manipulation, gaining both her Doctor of Divinity and Ph.D. degrees in Metaphysical Science in one year, and for only $2500 cash up front, so she’s clearly going to be the most qualified practitioner in Paleochora. (I know that there are those out there who scoff at the idea of a group of people in America setting themselves up as a church and a charity and then selling degrees in bogus pseudo sciences so that con artists can put letters after their names in order to encourage people to trust them and give them money, but I assure you, Insa Ne’s degree wasn’t one of those, honest!)

One Insa’s first tasks will be to acquaint herself with the youth of Paleochora and she will be doing this as soon as she can find him.

After her period of orientation, Insa will initially be assisting me with getting the ying/yang balance of Paleochora restored to its natural harmonic equilibrium following the severe damage done to the spiritual wellbeing of the village by the fraudulent fraudster known as Gerti Yakkitov. I feel that it is going to take some considerable time, and large donations of money to my “Restore Innocence to Paleochora – Official Fighting Fund” (RIP-OFF for short) emergency fund, to restore things back to the way they were in time for the arrival of our summer influx of visitors.

I fell I can confidently predict that Insa will fit right into our psykik community here, (as long as she keeps clear of Ms T**k, that person whose name we do not mention here,) and I further predict that my weekly agonising Psycik Aunt Column will be produced later this week.

I hope also, that with Insa’s help, I will soon to be able to announce that I will in fact now be able to offer my ever popular “Sound Vibration healing for our small friends with whom we share the Planet Seminar.” So all of you out there in Paleochora who have a small friend, we don’t use the word “pets”, who is suffering from depression stress or some other spiritual malaise, can rest assured that help is on the way!

Insa, where was it you bought your degrees? Was it ? There prices look very good and I like the idea that you can take all the exams as many times as you like until you pass and that your "Doctoral Thesis" need only be 10,00 words! Delete this bit before you put the blog up won't you? Aunty B.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Update on the Summer Offerings

(One of my followers preparing for my new therapy session.**)

I can now confirm that my ever popular one person tent on the beach at Azogyres will this summer be offering the usual range of acupressure, affirmational/attitudinal healing, aromatherapy, chakra balancing, colour therapy, crystal energy balancing, ear candling, influence of past lives/future lives and karmic proclivities on present wellness status, magnet therapy, mandala, nutritional counseling for energy balancing from chakric or five phase perspectives, personal training, pranic healing, raw foods, reflexology, relaxation, stress reduction, supplements, visualization; but only between 7am and 8pm on alternate days of the week. Unfortunately, in spite of the demand, I have to shut by 8pm in order to get back to attend the clinic in Paleochora.*

I hear from my spirit guides that certain quacks will shortly be offering their "Thought for the day" to the good people of Paleochora on the internetwebbythingy - I won't mention the site but for the sake of arguement it's -in a clear attempt to copy ever popular On Line Agonising Sikikil Ant feature. Imitation is the best form of flattery is what I always say.

Your Psykikal Agony Aunt answers your Questions

This weeks Column is in response to an psykik vibration picked up from a Mrs Enid Bonkers who when she afrrives in Paleochora will want to ask me about my soon to be patented "Sounds Good To me Healing System"

This an energy-based non-invasive treatment that is similar to acupuncture. Precision calibrated tuning forks are applied to specific acupuncture and acupressure points to access the body's Meridian and Chakra energy systems. These tuning forks represent a natural harmonic series based on the orbital properties of the Earth, Moon, Sun and planets. Their rich resonance and vibration connects with and supports the body's natural frequencies. It brings us into alignment with the cycles of the Cosmos known since antiquity as the Music of the Spheres. The tuning fork is struck on an "Sounds Good To Me"® Black Box - containing my soon to be assembled, non functioning electronic circuits which make little lights flash but do nothing else - then placed on the body or held near the ears. The sound waves of the forks vibrate and travel deeply into the body along energy pathways, affecting human physiology and reaching places not easily accessed by traditional medicine. Applying the forks stimulates and balances the body's physical and subtle energy field to promote healing and inner harmony. Listening to the forks speaks to us deeply by connecting with our vestibular system, within the inner ear canal, and accessing our sense of motion, balance, space, memory, and healing - honest.

It's certainly not just me sticking any old tuning fork on your body somewhere, mumbling a load pseudo scientific nonsense and charging you 235 Euros for the pleasure! ( I charge a mere 200Euros.)

Well, that's all for this week. I'll be back soon with some exciting news for all you ablebodied young men in Paleochora, and Mal Akkers.

* Would prospective patrons please note that I will no longer be doing the usual stuff at the "Doris Stokes Drop-In Spiritual Realignment Centre and Karaoke Bar (Paleochora Branch)." This year because of pressure of work.
**I'm tempted to say "Fork knows why!" -but I won't.

r Lee Hill to know too much about what I'm up to or he'll want his 10% as usual. Delete this before you put the blog up! Aunty B.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Welcome to my blog!

My latest photo

Why am I doing it? I'm often asked! Surely it's not for the money!

The truth is that there is far too much misinformation being put out by certain so called psykiks, who shall remain nameless but who for the sake of argument we’ll call Ms T**ke, concerning the lack of woo (or woowoo) in Paleochora and it’s to put the record straight that this blog has been started.

Furthermore, I cannot let that Mentor Lee Hill, alleged seventh level (he’s really only fifth level and he cheated on his final yoga exam) guru and part time olive picker, get away with the sort of nonsense he’s been coming out with on his

blog. As for his catamite Mal Akker, the less said the better!

From now on I intend to fight fire with fire and I can assure you my honoured reader that what you read here will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth as sure as my name is Ms Demeana.

I have, in my time in Paleochora, had many requests, but that’s another story.

Starting today, I will be running Paleochora’s first “On Line Agonising Psykik Ant” column giving advice and assistance to all you out there in internetwebbyland on all your psyckical problems and hang ups and answering all those little niggling questions you may have about things pysikkal. So let’s get this going straight away!

I see by gazing into my crystal balls that there will be a troubled person in the village when the charter flights start to arrive. Cynthia Bonkers from Oldham, or is it Neasden, will wish to know more about auras, so let’s start with auras.

Some will tell you an aura is a Finnish blue mould cheese, others that an aura may be held to represent or be composed of soul vibrations or chakras, and may reflect the moods or thoughts of the person it surrounds. Though it is often described as being a coloured body of light surrounding a person, it is also experienced in other ways by various practitioners. The aura is dependent on the flow of psychic energy through a person, and is analogous to qi, prana, and other similar philosophical systems.

The aura is believed to be a reflection of the mental state and energy of the individual being examined. Though there is no scientific proof that auras exist, it is certain that the brain and various organs produce an electromagnetic field that surrounds the human body. Since the observation of auras is inherently subjective, their objective existence will never be demonstrated under laboratory conditions.

Yet others will tell you that explanations for the perception of auras are migraine hallucinations and synthesia and that if you start seeing them you should go straight to a properly qualified medical Doctor.

However, since the announcement last year that the Aura Vision Song Contest was coming to Paleochora, many people have been trying to cash in on the act, telling you that their aura protection systems, goggles or glasses, are what you need in Paleochora. Some will even attempt to sell you cheap eye-aura protection all the way from Canada. ( )
Don’t be fooled Cynthia! My own, possibly shortly to be patented,

“Ms Demena’s aura overhaul, retune and brush up”

system is the only one that works, and at a mere 235 Euros a time is well worth it! Furthermore, I think you should allso beaware of my specially designed “Aura Pervy Peeper Protection” clothing. There's a lot of pervy aura peepers about nowadays in what look like ordinary sunglasses and with so many very strange people around, possibly peeping ones personal private aura when one least expects it, one can't be too careful.

That’s why “Don’t make a mistake and go to MsT**ke” has always been my motto!

Bye for now.

- Oh! Did you see the aura that tourist is giving off? That’s the aura of several hundred Euros at least! Insa, please cut this bit before the blog gets published–